One day, we meet. You give me a CD full of anime episodes and movies. It is raining. It feels cold. I take it with me. And then, I am happy. I walk away, slowly, so slowly. I hope. I wish. I pray. Still. After all these years. But you gave me no other word except for “No biggie! Anytime. Basta anime, wala tayong prob jan.” Then you call my name.
I stop midstep. Then force my left feet to fill up my senses. He would never call my name like that. Enough of all those hallucinations…please. I have enough. I have enough. Then you call my name the second time. This is no imagination. I stop and turn to face your direction only to find out that you are just a few steps away from me. You follow. I look at you; your eyes, your smile, it says a lot. Only in my fantasy land since in reality, you never care. “Umuulan,” you say. Indeed. Umuulan. Uhh, so? “Uuwi ka na ba agad?” you ask. Why in the world will you ask? “Uhm, wala akong payong eh. Hihintayin ko na lang muna na tumila na ang ulan.” Then I cannot look at you anymore. Wild thoughts overrule the mind, I will not let it reach its limits. “Sige, buh-bye! Salamat uli sa CD,” I say. Then you hold my hand. You hold it tight as if you never want to let go. But then again, only in MY mind. I dare myself to ask but you never give a chance. “Tara, kape muna tayo!” Then everything was a blur.
I feel the tiny drops of water tickling my arm down to the fingers that is connected with yours. You hold it. Hold it tight. I did not say yes, do I? But here I am, dancing, dancing in the rain. I am dancing, dancing with somebody who does not love me.
Then we arrive at the coffee shop. You open the door for me. You do not let go. You still hold it, holding it tight. We are wet. Drenching with the silver droplets dancing in our skin, dancing and dancing, never wanting to halt. “Two cappuccinos.” And then, we sit down at a corner table. I still see those silver droplets, dancing and dancing. In your forehead, in your neck, in your night-black hair, in your cheeks, in your arms, and then I notice you have already let go of my hand. For the nth time, I never notice you letting me go as if you never care. Then the cappuccinos come. “Enjoy your afternoon ma’am, sir!” I smile at the server. I smile at him. “Libre mo?” Then, he smiles back as he takes a sip on his coffee.
This is where the conversation that will end everything begins.
YOU: wala ka bang gustong itanong?
ME: may sagot ba akong gustong makuha?
YOU: [puts down his coffee cup] ayaw mo bang malaman kung bakit ko to ginagawa at bakit ngayon lang?
ME: kailangan ko bang malaman ang dahilan?
YOU: do you still feel the same?
ME: [enthusiasm decreases, oh this kind of talk again] why do you have to ask all the questions?
YOU: do you really think that all I need are just declarative sentences?
ME: what, you just want answers to your interrogative sentences?
YOu: why not?
ME: ahh…because you are still scared.
YOU: so…you still feel the same.
ME: so…so…so…you…you don’t have to be sacred.
Then you looked at me and everything was a past tense.