Hold on to that feeling. ..
And as I sway my hips and rock my head to the New Directions’ version of “Don’t Stop”, I suddenly realized that watching Glee’s very first episode at this moment of my life…is the most meaningful thing that could’ve happened to me.
I would never really recognize specifically the moment when I felt that I have lost a sense of purpose, a sense of meaning, in my life. That somewhere along this uncertain existence, I have stopped believing in love and life.
But then, I heard Rachel sing her heart out and witnessed Finn’s elated expression as he do the thing that makes him…GLEEful. I knew this show would bring something up and awaken something in my system, something that I have lost ever since that…incident…back in 2008, the year I turned 18. It felt like my miserable state began when I had my debut into womanhood. It was a struggle. It was a bittersweet battlefield. But then, I’m so thankful with the people who stayed by my side whether they know what’s going on or never even had any clue. They were somehow, my source of strength, my only cord that connects my meaning and my life. Although they were also the very reason why I sometimes want to just give it all up, not in a suicidal way, but just giving up living and just simply…exist.
I felt so empty. So hallow. It was as if there’s solitude but then there was sorrow. I felt miserable. I have stopped dancing, performing, laughing, and even acting. What was left is my surreal mask who was up to just anything, without any grip of its being. And also, I only had my writing. My pen and my paper (and now my Netbook)—they were my redeemer. I have written everything.
And now, I felt that the me who I felt has abandoned me in 2008, is back. That me is saving herself from that desolation. That me is starting bring her life back. And through Glee and their sense of purpose and passion with every song performance (and even the acting, that is) that me is slowly gaining her senses back. And all this is also because of my colleagues (who turned out to become my second family already) in the office of my first job. They have paved the way for me to feel again…to live again.
Because of them, my SACSI Family, I have slowly recalled who I was back in high school; back when everything was so fine and serene, back when I have truly loved myself and my family and friends, back when I have appreciated life and have learned love in so many different, colourful ways.
And as I take this all in, I listen to my favourite GLEE episode, when they performed the “Singing in the Rain-Umbrella mush up” and their version of Kesha’s “Tik Tok”. And also the Season 2 Finale, where they get to perform in New York. I can see not only that composed choreography and those sparkling costumes. I can also magnify the passion for having a purpose for living not only through Rachel’s facial expressions or Britney’s magnificent dance steps, but also through me. Dancing gives me life and vigour. Seeing people look at me dance (even though I know I am not the greatest) is something that paints a joyful picture in my heart. I am a dancer. I have a life to live. I hold the key that can set me free from this misery. So now, I am going out there, move on, and set my life full blast, with a fresh booty-bop beat.