This is something that I am not afraid to write about. Yet this is something that I don’t have the courage to face head on, let alone muster the rightful confidence to weave the suitable words to use for this kind of entry. You know, considering the fact that everything I post here is, in it’s way, authentic and true.
It all started about eight months ago. My college graduation. It felt like parting the life of systems and controls. The student life—where everyday is governed by the laws of grades and class performance. The moment I received my diploma, it felt like receiving a whole new system and control where the government is nothing but myself and everything that I wanted to do. It was as if the other aspects of my life heightened to its full extent. And one thing that is continuously lurking at the back of my head is the notion that I had to lose a good amount of weight—yet continue to do the exact opposite.
It was so hard. Though nobody said it’s going to be easy. I needed motivation. A sustainable one. I needed strength. Yet, I never felt this weak in my entire two decades of existence. There even came a time when I had lost every single optimism running through my veins. I knew I wanted to lose weight. And there is nothing more frustrating than realizing that every single minute I spend thinking about chocolate almonds and tasting that delicate slice of Tiramisu, I continue to gain self-control issues. More than the weight, I felt like I had no reason to face the world anymore. My extra-curricular involvements and even my work performance has been affected drastically. And in a not-so-very applauded way.
Every time I try to lose a pound, and mind you I tried so hard but then maybe not so hard at all, the only thing I lose is self-respect. Dieting has its reversible effect on me and I didn’t know why. Maybe, because deep inside, it knew that I didn’t want it that much…yet. But it had been eight fucking months and this is it. And I want the whole world to know. I’m tired of hiding. I’m fed up of giving in to the nega-me…always. I will change. And I will transform into the better version of me. And I want you to know that.
I am greatly aware that it’s not going to be easy. And there are no short cuts. But I will do it and I will start NOW. Reading Medical Marzipan’s entry on Self-love + Weight Loss, she mentioned some things I knew every person who is in my shoes at this moment of their lives could really relate to.
Love yourself. Love yourself unconditionally. Love yourself with everything you’ve got, every ounce of strength and courage that you can muster, because at the end of the day it’s just you, alone with your thoughts. Love yourself because you have suffered enough. Love yourself because you deserve every possible good thing that you are keeping out of your life when you’re deeply submerged in the muck of confusion and self-doubt.
It was as if those words she used was very much intended for me and for my self-improvement plans. And because of these words, I know I had to do something and do something NOW. I will not let another eight months of suffering eat me up again. NEVER.