愛されたい でも 愛そうとしない; その繰り返しのなかを彷徨って; 僕が見つけた答えは一つ 怖くたって 傷ついたって; 好きな人には好きって伝えるんだ
(I want to be loved, but you don’t seem to love me; I wander within that repetition; I found one answer; that even if I’m scared, even if I’m hurt; I can say “I love you” to the person who I love)
It was a starry night. The moon was so full. Like it had wanted to squeeze the evening sky. Like it had wanted to tell the stars how much he desires to embrace each one of them oh so tight.
“I knew you had something to tell me,” he spoke those words with such tenderness and reverence in his voice. That unrecognizable voice, as if he never wanted to give me any hint on what he’s really trying to say. “And I know what it’s all about.”
It was windy. Leaves of the trees nearby rustled, as if agreeing to whatever he’s saying, as if they know better than I do, as if they understood, as if they knew it all along.
There was a pregnant pause. Like it wasn’t supposed to be there. But it was there. Hovering over the massive space between us. He felt so near. Yet, in reality, he was so far. Far from my very own version of veracity.
“Have you watched it? I never had the chance to download the whole movie but I have seen the trailer.”I never got the chance to even think of the possibility that it may end up like this. That it’s going to taste like salt and pepperoni, like wine and vinegar—so bittersweet, it stings.
“Memories of Nobody? Ya, of course, ako pa.” I knew that he knew what I was trying to do. I knew that he knew that I never imagined this conversation to turn out like this awkward. I knew that he knew how much I was taken aback. I knew that he knew how much I was caught off guard. I knew that he knew how this is going to end. “I want to watch it too. But I guess I’ll never have the chance anymore.” That there was never really a chance in the first place.
あなたが僕を愛してるか 愛してないか; なんてことは もうどっちでもいいんだ; どんなに願い望もうが; この世界には変えられぬもんが 沢山あるだろう; そう そして僕があなたを 愛してるという事実だけは; 誰にも変えられぬ真実だから
(Do you love me? Or not love me? As for things like that, it’s already fine either way; no matter how I wish; there are many unchangeable things in this world, right? That’s right, and because only the fact of my loving you is the truth unchangeable by anyone)
The clock struck at four o’clock in the morning. The first hint of dawn has slowly crept its way towards the unfathomable lavender horizon. We have talked about meaningless things. We gave our opinions about the hollow voices of February. We laughed over empty hearts and empty souls. Yet, we have remained silent about the subject that mattered the most.
“So, <insert my name here>, about…” for the first time in this whole damn time…he looked at me. And I never looked back. I never dared. I never even thought about doing so because. Because. I knew that by looking at him with so much affection in my eyes and love in my heart. I knew. I knew that I would give myself away. But I tried, as hard as I could. I tried to maintain. I tried to maintain, more than my self-control, I tried to hold on to what was left with me. “Ahh, about that,” I tried to hold on to my dignity. “Kuya, OK na. Gets ko na.”
There were emphatic laughters at the background. They sounded so happy, so delighted, so pleased. They sounded like mocking the enormous pain I was feeling inside, like stepping every ounce of faith I had, like pushing me six feet from the edge and I was sinking.
And that ended it all.
(Even if I’m hurt, I can say “I love you” to the person who I love)
Inspired from 千の夜をこえて by Aqua Times, Bleach: Memories of Nobody theme