I’ll tell you… สักวันฉันจะดีพอ

อยากดีพอ ให้เธอได้มั่นใจ; แต่ที่พอมี ก็แค่ทั่วๆ ไป; ความจริงที่เธอยังลังเลยังไม่เทให้กันหมดหัวใจ; กังวลว่าเธอจะเจอใคร ที่รักเธอเหมือนกัน

(I want to be good enough so you can be sure; but as soon as I reach it, it’s just common; the truth is you’re still uncertain, you still won’t pour your heart out to me; I’m worried you’ll meet someone who loves you too)

Lately, I have been in a succession of the ultimate roller coaster ride of my life. No concrete words could ever immortalize that feeling. Nevertheless, I still feel the urge to write about it.

As a human person, I believe that there are things that we encounter and experience naturally. Like your first menstruation. Like the day of his circumcision. Like her first heartbreak story. Like our first failing grade. Like the first dance. And the last chance. Like dancing in the pouring rain. Like laughing our hearts out over Porkchop Duo. Like baking that first piece of cake. Like that first morning after graduation. And her last night in this world.

Amidst those series of hello’s and goodbye’s, ups and downs, first times and lasts, I find myself at the peak of Enchanted Kingdom’s Space Shuttle ride. I never felt so nauseated. So revolting. “Hindi ko alam kung hanggang kalian ko ito kakayanin,” sabi ko pa sa Facebook stat ko. You know, the feeling when the coaster is slowly going up and up and up like it’s mocking you, how high can you get, and giving you this sensation that the higher you get, the bigger impact you’ll receive when you get down. Mabuti sana kung deretso ka lang bababa. But not when you have tried Everland’s T-express. T.T

วันที่ฉันจะดีพออยากจะขอเวลาหน่อย; มันคงไม่นานเกินไป

(For the day that I’m good enough, just give me a little time; it won’t be too long)

It felt like you’re on top of the world. But not in cloud-9 knick-knacky kind of way. As you go up, every hideous feeling there is will be heightened. It was as if there’s nothing you can do about it anymore. You find yourself, seated alone in that dark coaster, about to fall into pieces. And then the sickening turbulence commences.

You’re not being pulled straight by the gravity. Instead, it lets you experience every twists and turns, every shakes and churns of the roller coaster structure. It goes faster and faster. It never wanted to halt. It was as if every second meant life and death.

And as the 3-minute ride comes to a halt, you find yourself terminating with a bang. You never know what happened along the way. The only thing that is evident to you now is change—improve yourself for the benefit of yourself and yourself alone. And you will tell to the whole the world, the day will come when you will be good enough for yourself and for everyone.

เธอเป็นคนดีที่ใครเขาต้องการ; เธอเป็นคนเดียวที่ใครก็เฝ้าฝัน

(You’re a good person who everyone wants; you’re the single person who everyone dreams about)

Someday, I will be good enough. I know I will. But It’s not about proving anything to the world. Or testing my worth through my mere existence. It’s not about showing to other people what I’ve got and how flourishing I can be. It’s not about parading the success story I’ll have after falling and kissing the ground. It’s not about making every single person like me or dream about me. I just want to feel good about myself. And that is all there is to it. I just want to feel genuine happiness.

Inspired from “สักวันฉันจะดีพอ (Suk Wun Chun Ja Dee Por)” by Bodyslam, Crazy Little Thing Called Love OST

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