“If you want something you never had, do something you never did.”
Note: this is not a love story.
I am writing this down simply because I never wanted to forget. Not only because it’s something unforgettable but maybe, just maybe, because this might be the only way for me to preserve and solidify this sensation I thought I miss the most.
I couldn’t really fathom the reason that made me attend the first General Assembly of this organization I am involved in. In the first place, I did consider the option of not going at all.
But then, the next thing I knew, I’m already shaking hands with the staff especially with Kuya Dave whom I’ve been communicating with since the time I became so active in the group.
The opening went fine, the sessions were OK, and then there goes the meeting with my team from Zamboanga City where some unfinished business and certain issues were (hopefully) settled. This was actually the time when my own set of issues started to surface and nagged me at my face. It’s quite saddening why certain people don’t know how to recognize other’s efforts especially when they’re already on the top and gaining all the credit which others have passionately worked on. What’s worse even was how certain people remain so silent and so shuttered-up when they should be the ones who should at least receive the appropriate attribution and allow the whole world to recognize them because of the extensive efforts they have given for a particular project. Well, talking about the pride and humility dilemma.
So the meeting went by with my mind swirling around my mixed emotions and thoughts. And then, I would never really know what pushed me, but I just saw myself changing to my swimming attire –shorts and sleeveless. Me? Wearing shorts AND sleeveless? Oh the beauty of allowing yourself not to be controlled by your sense of rationality and your very own wisho. And then minutes later, I saw myself dive onto the pool. In the middle of the night. -_-
What would be the most frustrating thing to do when you go night swimming and you’re all lutaw and you got your definitely-not-so-me attire on? Stay in one area. Dammit. Haha, I didn’t know to do and what to expect. I don’t even know why I’m there in the first place. I didn’t know where to go, who to mingle with, and even what to say, I’m in default mood and just went with the flow of things. I wasn’t able to get a hold with myself. What was happening to me? I really don’t know. My mind was doing its own thing and it’s not giving me any attention. Dammit.
And then, somebody started the conventional out2x game. Participants from Zamboanga City initiated the game where people from other places in Mindanao and those from Manila slowly mingled with us and joined the game. I was trying to reach out to people I thought I knew but because of the light system (and it’s the middle of the night after all), I wasn’t entirely sure. Haha. But then, it was a nice game for the participants in this assembly to bond and mingle with each other.
And then everything started from the moment the game ended for me.
He pretended he was the taya and I pretended I wasn’t in for the game anymore but just to erase the KJ effect, I still tried to hold on to the magpahabol-pero-ayaw-na-talaga mode. I thought he was someone I know but when he was already near, I wasn’t able to recognize him. So I went to the other side of Rissa, my colleague, and settled there.
The talk started with the traditional anong-pangalan-mo’s and taga-saan-ka’s. When the queue of questions reached the topic on careers and ambitions, the frustrating night-swimming-with-all-my- definitely-not-so-me attire seemed to just evaporate and disappear in the background of splashing water and segued on to something much, much more…interesting.
I was curious. But I was never anxious. Something that quite never happened before. It was something much, much more remarkable to me than the budding tenta-kunuhay-crush-to-be effect. We were in the pool at first. Sharing opinions nobody’s entitled to respond, sharing views and notion nobody’s required to rebut. Just the usual GTKY-kunuhay type of conversation.
Then we transferred at the Jacuzzi where those alam-mo-na details seemed to be magnified not only by the presence of the rumbling, bubbly water in the middle of the area and the mini waterfalls at the sides, but more so because of the presence of other people who surrounded us.
Akala niya hindi ko pansin? E paanong hindi e may dimples siya. Haha.I was really able to see the way he tries to hide and cover his responsive smiles and giggles every time na kinakantyawan na kami by the other people there. Iyan actually ang aking greatest fascination with people who have dimples. Haha.
But the entire time na nakababad ako sa Jacuzzi, my thought almost completely played around with the notion that I wasn’t conscious at all, or may be but just a little bit. Not any more. I was in my definitely-not-so-me get up and he was all half-naked (the required outfit by the management of that resort) and I wasn’t anxious at all. Maybe somewhere along the way, I was able to overcome and get rid with the Nega Me who always hides and hinders myself to be more comfortable with myself and with others, especially with guys.
I still felt a bit awkward and paranoid at times. But the intensity decreased by about 50 times the one I’m having before this night’s activity allowed me to realize this amazing reality.
So, thank you. I really loved that part. Also especially the content of our conversation where we talked about the dilemmas and struggles of being a fresh graduate. That, reality is already there welcoming us, awaiting for our glorious response to the challenges that we are about to face. This is because we were both a fresh graduate from different universities but basically both in to the arts.
Maybe God intentionally placed me there and the world conspired for me to meet you. You were his medium to talk to me and let myself face this particular struggle head on. He made me realize, through you, that yes, somewhere along the way, I was able to overcome the kontrabida in me and recognize the increasing level of appreciation and comfort that I am having for myself now. And that I am indeed with the “real world” now. I have to really, really gear myself up this time for me to be ready to face the challenges that the “real world” will offer me on the way to my greatest dream and ambition. For you and for that night and for this reality, kampai!