To all the girls I’ve loved before

 

My dear MC Gals,

I know this post is but a year a little too late. But I do believe nothing is too late when the sun still rises in the east and still sets in the west. Right now, I can even vividly hear you girls say, “Ay naku, si Jobi talaga…”

There are a lot of things I wanted to tell you girls. Things I haven’t realized I’ve always wanted to tell you. So let me start with, I’m sorry. Really. This time, I do feel sorry. I feel sorry about the times you asked me to hang out at Halo or spend Saturday nights at Paseo, and every single time, I declined. Yes, with just oh so many excuses. I feel sorry about not really giving the effort to spend some girl bonding with each and every one of you.

Believe me, there were a lot of wasted Friday and Saturday nights spent just imagining: what if I asked Ate Maila to teach me more hair styles or asked Tin to give me mani-pedi tips in one of the all-girl overnights? What if I got myself drunk at Catribo and knew then I was allergic with any hard liquor drinks? And that I’m the kind of drunk who’d rather sleep than make a crazy dance number in the middle of the road or spoil some dirty secrets? Yes and all the other what if’s I couldn’t totally remember now.

There were a lot of could’ve been and supposed-to-be moments now that I really get to think through about how I spent my college life with ten other fun and exciting girls. Nasasayangan ako talaga because it’s only now that I realized that at the time, I couldn’t believe I was already able to track the path I’ve always wanted to pursue. I only perceived those four years as too good to be true. I haven’t fully fathomed its depth and how much I really wanted to be part of the media industry. I thought it’s what my high school teachers and classmates wanted me to do. I thought it’s what my mom wanted me to do. I thought it’s what other people wanted me to do. But I never thought it’s what I have always wanted to do. In a very profound and abysmal kind of way.

I enjoyed all the productions, all the photoshoots, all the class discussions, all the projects, all the researches, all the library hang-outs. Most especially the library hang-outs. I had fun in every single way. But sadly, at the time I thought I was only happy because I was completing a course requirement. I was happy because I get to have good grades and positive remarks. It never crossed my mind that I was happy at the very core because it’s what my heart truly desires.

It’s sad how I allowed myself to be naive and be taken over by my emotions most of the time. Well, at 18, I think it’s the right thing to do. Acknowledging your inner feelings and unfortunately, giving into it. Now I know how hard and struggling it is to be emotionally mature and stable.

But believe me, if I were to turn back time, I will still choose to take Mass Communication in Ateneo de Zamboanga University and spend  four wonderful years developing my skills and talents, making my way to the realization of my dreams with ten other fun and exciting girls. Though I couldn’t fully fathom the notion  that dreams do come true and they don’t stay as just that, dreams.

I  will go through all those disappointments, awkwardness, intimidations, laugh trips, happiness and accomplishments all over again. No matter how uphill the journey may be. Because, as cliché as it is, I wouldn’t be who I am now without these ten other girls being a part of my college life. No Jobi without a Josh, Kamille, Karen, Francel, Jenica, Maila, Rianne, Tin, Hazel, and Lala.

Though now I ought to be called Joan once again, I will still remain that Jobi you’ve always known. Though I hope that the next time we get to hang-out again, you would notice significant changes in me. No more walls. No more naiveness. No more emo Jobi. And I certainly look forward to that during our turn as honorary batch during Ateneo Fiesta five, ten, 15, 25, or even 50 years from March  23, 2011.

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