A straight girl’s love letter for her gay friend

Imagine this sweet nothing scrawled over a crumpled piece of yellow paper—almost invisible and unattractive—never wanting to be written in the first place nor be read by the person concerned. Because by the mere fact that I couldn’t stop myself from the painful intensity of words that are overflowing, never knowing where they came from—from the desolate abyss of the mind that longed for someone so desperately or from the painstaking fact that my heart dictates: I’m feeling that feeling again. And yes, I am feeling it for you. For you. Can you even imagine it? No. And by immortalizing these words through this letter, I know I’m opening myself up again to the excruciating world of rose-tinted glasses. Make that another unrequited world of rose-tinted glasses. Include MYMP’s version of “Emotions” lurking at the background.

Dear Bebe Boy (because apparently, that’s what I call you; since when did we have pet names again?),

Let’s skip the part where I have to re-tell my history with guys and the tale that I use to justify my behaviour towards the opposite sex species. You knew everything. And that could be my biggest mistake. Ever.  I allowed you to know everything about me. Or, at least everything that I wanted you to know about me. But there’s one thing I have forgotten to tell you. Or maybe, suppressed from you. I’ve always wanted a gay for a best friend. Someone like you.

Maybe because I didn’t have to worry that I might use my cruel wonderwall against you simply because I knew I will never cross the clichéd thin line from platonic to romantic zone. Maybe because it seems that I would never feel so insecure about my unripe esteem or the lack thereof whenever I’m with you. Maybe because when I’m with you, I am secretly allowed to look at “certain situations” and substitute your presence to a member of the opposite sex and learn things in a very deceiving manner. Maybe because people like you would make me realize my own what-ifs and supposed-to-be’s in a less painful way. Maybe because you can put it this way: you’re the lesser evil since I find all guys to be evil and since you still have your own set of biological make-up which makes you still, yes, a man.

I couldn’t remember how we became this close and this, for the lack of better terms, intimate. That scene when you “convinced” me to come with you to Mindpro and buy some sweet stuffs i.e. lollipops, chocolates, and Tic Tacs? That scene where we sat at one of the blue logs quiescently lying at the backfield and talked about anything under the sun? That scene where you invited me to my favourite place on earth i.e. Tsokolate and let me discover that you’re a regular there? That scene when I poured my personal sentiments with you for the first time over my favourite table toppings on earth i.e.  a cup of coffee and a slice of Chocolate Genoise Cake? Yes. I couldn’t remember, really.

I just woke up one day and realize that I already have someone whom I can be makulit and actually convince to take me to any branch of Banapple simply because I am dying to eat their cakes for the second time. I already have someone to pick me up from the airport and who can actually make me take the MRT with all my huge luggages. I already have someone who can hold my hand so tight as if the time to let go will never come simply because I couldn’t afford to lose sight of him amidst the sardinas-like MRT ride. I already have someone who will take the LRT ride from Katipunan and fetch me, even though I’m just in Cubao, and then go back because yes, our destination is at Katipunan. I already have someone whom I can freely mention, since you retain a man’s name, whenever I make kwento with my mom simply because I knew I don’t have to explain  why a certain guy is constantly a part of my everyday episodes. I already have someone who I can call and talk about anything at the wee hours of the night whenever I avail TM’s 100-minute call promo. I already have someone who I allow to tease me like it would be the end of the world if he wouldn’t do so not because it doesn’t hurt me but because I just want him to notice me somehow (now, take note of the discrepancy). I already have someone whom I can sweetly  pose with in a photo, sweet enough for me to actually make it my cellphone wallpaper AND Facebook profile pic. I already have someone who I desperately look for a peace offering i.e. buy him a box of Sansrival while I’m on vacation with my friends,  and make an effort to make lambing not just because I don’t want him to be mad at me anymore but I don’t want him to do to me those things he does to his enemies. I already have someone whom I’m comfortable cuddling with as we welcome the first few rays of the morning sunshine. Yes. I already have someone. But no. He’s not my boyfriend. You are not my boyfriend. You were supposed to be my gay best friend.

Honestly, it took a while for me to realize that you’re everybody’s best friend. You have a lot of circles and cliques. And most of them, I couldn’t imagine being a part of. Until now, I couldn’t still fathom the notion that I have become one of your “everybody’s”.

You’re everybody’s someone. And that I’m not the only one you do those things for. Because no matter how you claim that you’re evil (good thing you knew), somewhere deep down your emo world, you’re one hell of a good person. No matter how you tell me that you could be the worsest friend I’ll ever have, the truth is, you may be the bestest friend I would ever know.

And then rethinking the maybe-because points, let’s focus on what went wrong. Go back to the first sentence of the second paragraph. Which part of the “never cross the clichéd thin line from platonic to romantic zone” is not clear? Well, everything. Every word. Every word took me by surprise. I just woke up one day and did not only realize that I already have someone, a best friend, a gay best friend. I woke up one day and realize that I have already crossed the clichéd thin line from platonic to romantic zone. And I knew I wouldn’t be able to undo this. I wouldn’t be able to look at you as just my gay best friend. I wouldn’t be able to handle the fact that I’m just one of your “everybody’s”. And that, I don’t even know what to call this situation anymore. A straight girl falling in love with her gay best friend. I’m giving you a both eyebrows up and a blank look in the eyes right now. To be honest, I really have no idea. Blank. Empty. But then again, maybe love isn’t about the gender or the sex. Maybe love is simply about two people. Period.

And then again… I don’t really have a point here anymore. I have lost it the moment I have immortalized my feelings through this letter.  I know I’m opening myself up again to the excruciating world of rose-tinted glasses. Make that another unrequited world of rose-tinted glasses. But I do have something to tell you.

I know you have another mushroom-like someone in your life right now. And this is supposed to be nothing new to me. But I want you to know that I don’t want you to be a coward anymore. And that I sincerely don’t want you to get hurt anymore.  I am talking as the bestest friend you’ll ever have.

You deserve that kind of genuine happiness you thought you don’t deserve. If his every text message paints a smile on your face, if his presence reverses your bad day, if each of his touch allows you to acknowledge not only his company but most especially yourself as well, if the way he manifests his love for you does not take yourself away from yourself completely, if he brings out the best in you, if he allows you to be the worst version of yourself and still accepts you, if he devoid your dream of being lonely for the rest of your life, and if you have these same effects on him as well, then don’t ever let him slip away the way you did with mushroom. Mushroom may have been the love of your thirty years of existence in this mundane world, but this new mushroom-like man in your life right now might just be your someone, your “the one”. And if he will not make you change your role in my life as my worsest friend ever, then I might as well give him my points of approval. Not that I have that right. But I do secretly have that right.

Anyway, I am writing this letter just to acknowledge the funny fact that I don’t want you to see me fall apart. And, in the words of a broken heart, I know it’s just emotion that’s taking me over. That I’m caught up in sorrow, lost in this song. In this cliché that I just want you to be happy. I’ll be fine. Yes. I will. Don’t worry. Trust me. I’m used to this. Don’t mind me.

From,

Your Bebe Girl.

Advertisements

19 thoughts on “A straight girl’s love letter for her gay friend

  1. Hello. 🙂 I know you don’t know me, but can I just say…I could definitely relate to this. 😦 I currently “like” someone who turned out to be a closet ‘gay.’ I think knowing his truth even intensified my feelings for him. What makes it even more confusing is that he’s years older, and he’s my boss (in a school org). And I know he can never love me because he’s in love with someone (who’s, by the way, a straight guy) who’s already in a relationship. It just really pains me to see him ache, and just like you, all I want is for him to achieve that genuine happiness.

    So there, I just really had to let that out. Good luck on managing your deepest feels. 🙂

    • Hey there Hazel (not really sure though if this is what you’re called, but I love Hazel nut, haha, just sayin). Wow. Just wow. Thank you for sharing your story in just, uhh, one paragraph? Smiles. It’s sayin a lot though. If you let me, here’s one tiny thought for you:

      “When you stop chasing the wrong things, you give the right things chance to catch you.”

      Not sayin that what we’re feeling is wrong though. It’s just that we’re totally, inevitably aware that this will only take us nowhere. So this little piece of thought might mean something, somehow. What it is, is up to you. Thanks for commenting my friend! Smiley.

  2. I totally relate to this situation! I have completely fallen in love with my gay best friend! I have no idea what to do. Apart from work we literally spend all our time together. We play, laugh, fight, sing, dance, sleep (literally sleep), go out, stay in, do everything together. He never treats all of his other friends like this and he admitted he has a soft spot for me. He does everything for me and I’m the only one in is life who gets this treatment. Does this mean he loves me? x

      • Hi Amanda,

        Thanks for sharing those lovely thoughts about your feelings and about your friend. You know, at fist I really felt ridiculous, posting everything I have to say to him in my blog and letting the whole world know how vulnerable I have become. But then again, a year has passed since then. We’re still good friends now and he actually thanks me for being true to him and to myself as well. I think it’s his way of saying that I had just gained another friend worth keeping–forever. Romantic feelings aside. So, when you asked if those were signs if your gay best friend is in love with you? I believe you’re the only person who can answer that. It may take so much courage and ridiculousness, but at the end of the day, I believe it’s all about respect for the person and respect for your feelings too:)

  3. Hi! I am also in the same situation as yours.

    I confessed to him about how I felt when he told me he was gay. I thought that by confessing, it would solidify the understanding in me that we will never be together. But as time passed by and we became closer than ever, it seems that the feelings that I have denounced was never gone after all. It was always there.

    I know getting over is not easy but I tried. I tried “forgetting” the feelings, making myself immune to it until I barely notice that it’s there. It worked for a while, but lately I feel the ‘tension’ between us. I know he doesn’t feel the same way but as a straight woman, it would be instinctive for me to feel attracted to him even during displays of non-sexual intimacy.

    I admit to myself that I still like him, but I cannot tell him how I really feel after everything we’ve been through together. I feel that it would be healthier if I just did, but I might be putting a wall between us this time. I don’t want that to happen. This person is important. He means the world to me. I don’t know what I’ll do if I lose him.

    I expect nothing to come out of this. I just wish he could just magically read my mind and slap some sense into me that we would NEVER be together. I wish he could, because never again would I tell him in his face that I like him.

    Thank you for sharing this, though. At least I can feel that there is someone out there who can understand how I’m feeling. Suppressing these feelings isn’t easy. I wonder how long I could go on with this one (the last time I fell in love with someone was for four straight years, unrequited.) I guess I could tell him about this when I leave for the states for work, which is about 2-4 years from now.

    • Hi Andromeda. My sincerest thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings:)

      Someone once told me, it will do no harm when we stay true to our feelings and say it out loud. That person deserves to know. But it also comes with the inevitable fact that things will never be the same between the two of you. But if you know that person really well, you’ll know which of the two possibilities he’ll fall into: one, he’ll subtly ignore the (hideous?) thought and as time goes by, he’ll unconsciously build an awkward gap between you two. But it will definitely his lost, not yours; two, he’ll acknowledge your feelings but he also values your friendship thus you’ll only grow closer as friends (difficult but still). In time, your initial feelings might just grow into something firmer, what could be a strong foundation for your friendship. If he’s this kind of “gay friend”, he’s for keeps;)

      We’ll soon find the guy for us, though. I’m sure:)

    • Hello there Andromeda! I know these posts and comments here were i think, 3 years ago. And it’s kinda funny to react at this moment, since it is so very late and I’m not even sure if you could still read this. hehe anyway, I really don’t know how to say this, but, I have a Very Very same situation as yours 😦 It’s been 4 years since I have a feeling with this friend of mine. And until now, Im still not over with him 😦 don’t know what to do. I know for the fact that he’s not into me, and we’ll never be. because of the fact that he just really looks up to me only as his friend. and he’s still confused about his “sexuality”. He’s still not coming out of his “closet” yet. and I really don’t know why am i still not discouraged with this fact 😦 How to get over him? 😦 the pain’s still here T_T

  4. hi, joan! feeling close? yes, i am. we’re kindred spirits. your 2012 self and my present self. and i also share similar sentiments with Andromeda.

    I’m actually undergoing a tough situation right now. encountering your blogpost has been a tight hug for me, and i’m grateful for it.

    but it’s still hard because i am super clueless as to how to be a good friend to him (one of my roommates and has come out and found his first love very recently). i havent confessed yet. but i will. someday. (i think). and i think that he’s aware of my feelings, and we’re both tip-toeing around each other, what with all our awkwardness and teasing from before for months.

    i struggle everyday. i am fine when he’s around. i am really glad to see him so happy. everyone of us. and i accept the fact that i am also mourning, and i hide it from everyone.

    i just wanna thank you again for sharing this to the blogosphere. it really means a lot, knowing that i am not alone in this kind of situation, and yes, taking advantage of the fact that i can just share my story to someone who can understand what i’m going through right now.

    Thanks much!!! XOXO

    • Hi Stella! Yea, cheers to my kindred spirit, yes? 🙂 I was actually in tears, reading your comment and how heartfelt it was. I can’t remember but did I mention that this was my way of telling him how I truly felt about him and this was how he actually found out? Yes, by sending him the link to this post. Laughs.

      I believe though what matters is you let him know how you feel, not just because he deserves to know but believe it or not, it will liberate you both, especially you mentioned that you think he’s aware of your feelings too. If this will deepen your friendship or the other way around, only you and him can tell. What matters is you acknowledge this beautiful feeling instead of allowing yourself to be miserable inside.

      Life is meant to be enjoyed, let’s just have fun and always look at the good and beautiful side of things. Cheers to us! 😀

  5. Oh myyygaaad haha I literally just shed tears after reading this post! Funny to encounter this at this point in time in my life. fell in love with “my gay” slowly but all at once. i guess the amount of time weve spent together largely contributed to how my feelings developed haaay. i always felt so happy and secure and comfortable whenever i was with him and thats when i probably knew that i was already falling. 😦 knew he was gay even before we became friends (we work in the same office) so ang tanga ko lang talaga for allowing myself to be in this predicament – even if i knew from the start na hindi kami tugma! hahaha life’s kinda unfair this way, eh? im switching jobs soon so hopefully if our proximity to each other is lessened, thats when i can finally be able to move on and get over him. hopefully 🙂 anyway guess i just wanna say thank you for writing this post! even if it’s been almost 2 years already haha i hope things turned out well for you and bebe boy. maybe you can update me? 🙂 haha. just really glad to know im not alone in this situation – and that it’s completely normal (and tragic! haha) for a straight girl to fall fo their gay friend. thank you!

    • Hey there Jennifer! Gosh. How can I say this? There was a time when he practically disappeared in my life and I thought it was for good. But then, he “reappeared” and now we’re good friends! One thing he taught me? To be honest with my self and with my feelings. You’ll never know what might come after. But then that’s where life’s real beauty lies. Thanks a lot for your beautiful words! 🙂

  6. Being attracted to the same sex in countries like USA,UK Canada is really easily as i have heard.There are still people there who don’t like people like us but it not as bad as that of Russia cos here we are beaten jailed and sometimes even killed.You can’t hold the hand of the one you care about in the public so as to avoid been harassed we can even set a place to me cos if we are caught we face jail time.Here in Russia we gay are prisoner in our own country.I am currently in a relation with my fiance and we had to leave Russia to be together.Before now his parent were against our relationship cos they had no idea he was gay we sneaked around knowing the risks if we were to be caught.When he finally got heart to tell him family the rejected him and asked he stops seeing me or they were going to turn him in and that scared him a lot his father is a very powerful man in Russia and he made it possible for him not to be able to live the country i mean as long as you have money in Russia anything goes.I was lucky they never got to meet me cos if they did i would have not been here right now writing this article that you are all reading.Probably i would have been in jail.Months passed and there was no way we could see each other cos they had him watched to make sure he is never get to meet me and also to know the person the was he was practicing this profane act with as they called it.They stripped him of all his right to the family assets and made him an outcast i could see he was suffering form the text he was sending me they made his life miserable and made him end our relationship.I knew he was confused and did know what to do to get his life back to make his family see him the way they use to.And i knew that his family were never going to accept his life style cos they are so anti gay.If they were to be a fund riser to fight gay practice in Russia his family will be the first to ask that they host it.I love him so much but he was scared of him family and they also had a grip on him.I know most person don’t believe in what about to say but still if it wasn’t for Mutton Osun a spell caster that i found on the internet i would not have been writing this.It happened maybe by a slim chance or fate that i was a blog were it happened that i read three distinct comment about how he help them with similar problem.I contacted him with an email address that was in the comment.I asked Mutton Osun to cast a spell to make my then boyfriend to make up his mind to run away from Russia with me to be together and also his family as in his father to make it possible for him to leave Russia with me and set a very comfortable life for us were we were going.And i know doing spells with someone you can’t even see is outrageous but i promise you he makes you feel more at else when he calls and he really goes through with his promise cos he did with mine he was really helpful to him and kind.And like other people said he doesn’t even charge you for what he is doing for you.I had to provide some list of materials that he asked that i get for my spell casting.I preferred that i sent the money down to him cos they were not easy to find and even when i found them it was so expensive but he could get them cheaply.He instructed me on how to make the spell work with great effect.It took 7 seven day and night to see it result.On the seventh night my boyfriend call me to tell me we could finally be together cos his father did agreed to do all i asked mutton osun to make him do i just knew at once it was Mutton Osun spell cos it what i asked for and now me and fiance are the happiest right now we can hold hand now without fear of being harassed or sent to jail for we are in love and we are very comfortable here.His father made sure everything was set before we even got here just like i asked it should be.Am going to also leave Mutton Osun email here just like others have done for contact purpose godsofosunx @ rocketmail. com

  7. Pingback: These Dreams: Three years and counting | THESE DREAMS

  8. I have this so called gay best friend now. I have known him since college. We have been good friends since then but now that we have graduated and started working, we have become very close to each other. We usually text, chat just for the heck of it. We are a part in a clique but since most of them are already busy with their lives we are the only ones who remained and kept constant communication. I just don’t know but there is really something special that I am starting to feel towards him. This year we started hanging out with each other, just the two of us. We attend mass together. We even had trips and vacays that somehow strengthened our bond. We exercise together. Evertime he has plans he would imediately invite me. We always spend time together. We always see each other in a week. Also, he never hesitated to introduce him to his workmates. It’s just an overwhelming feeling. He is one of those whom I could pour my heart into- my issues, worries, concerns. He does the same way too.

    I don’t know but everytime I am with him, even if we don’t talk, I am contented. I just can’t explain but evertime we meet, I am nervous and excited to see him. And recently, everytime he mentions a guy’s name my heart aches. I would silently say ” Is it not enough that I am with you?”

    Sometimes I wish that he would decide to be straight. But I think it’s impossible.

    I think this is just emotions taking me over but I just could not help fight this feeling.

    • Hi dear. It is heartwarming that you’re sharing your own experience. I say don’t fight it. Let yourself feel it, ride with it, enjoy it. I can see that it’s not really a matter sexual preference anymore, it’s about the bond and depth of the relationship you guys share. So just embrace the feeling, don’t take it too seriously. Remember, #Lovewins 😉

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s