A letter to the 22 year-old me

Delicious Ambiguity by Gilda Radner

I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next.

My dear,

I know you’ve always wanted to explore. I know you’ve always wanted to discover things your way. I know you wanted to see how far you could go. I know you ached to leave your comfort zone. I know you’re dying to do things you’ve never allowed yourself to do before, while you’re still on your safe territory. I know you have faith in stars and coffee breaks. I know you’re still certain that dreams do come true. And I know, deep inside, you still believe in prince charmings and happy endings.  Yes. Believe me, I know.

However, ever since you stepped onto the big city and embraced the bright city lights and finally left your comfort zone, these knowledge and beliefs have slowly deteriorated. Without your full knowledge, you allowed their light to fade slowly, gently, deliberately.

Bit by bit, the phantom that covered your safe zone, which you thought you have left completely, is creeping onto your midnight thoughts once again. People’s expectations, the status quo, your own fears and weaknesses, they all have slithered your once dazzling courage. Why? Simply because after a number of months, you still don’t have a job, companies you like don’t respond to your application, you’re bum, doing almost nothing productive.  Everyday. Every single fucking day. Why? Simply because after finishing college, you still don’t have someone you can call your boyfriend, your special someone, yes, still NBSB. While people around you are enjoying their high-paying corporate spree and sharing sweet nothings with their honey pies and sweet hearts. And you’re left standing quiescently at a shadowed corner, exhibiting an empty face.

All these is catapulted by one kind of fear—fear of the unknown. You don’t know if you’ll ever get that job. You don’t know if you will still find the one. You have no freakin’ idea until when you’ll be like this. Yes. Until when and even how long. However, you must know that life is about not knowing.

Little do you know that it’s life’ exquisite nature. Choose to live it well without knowing or having any idea what’s going to happen on the next minute. Choose to live it well and allow positive changes as the clock ticks and turns. Choose to live it well by making the most of your situation, of your moment, of your time. And as you embrace this spontaneity, maybe only then will you gain back the glow of the courage that brought you here in the big city.

Embrace once again the notion that dreams do come true and prince charmings still exists and that you will have them in the right time. So for now, allow yourself to cuddle your delicious ambiguity that made you your 22-year old self. Yes. Carpe diem.



Your time traveller self


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