I’m not really sure how to begin this entry. Simply because I was known to be THE good girl and never really adapted a maldita attitude. I always give a damn about other people’s opinion about how I interact with them, about how I talk, about my fashion statement, and even about how I chew my food. Yes. Pathetic. So what?
So what? Yes. So what? I know it limits all my potential socialization skills. It hinders the wonders of my thoughts dying to come out of my mouth and be transformed into words. I know it’s impeding my inner goddess who wanted to flaunt her unique fashion sense. I know it’s the biggest obstruction I built in front of me and it stops me from realizing my dream of becoming a great writer. And I know, it prevents me from being who I really am.
I am afraid, weak, naive. I always wanted to please everyone. I tell them things I know they want to hear to avoid enemies. I do what is expected of me—be a good girl, obey my parents, graduate with honors, don’t allow anybody to knock me up at such a young age. I stick to the safest clothing style to avoid the elite’s mocking eyes on me. I always say sorry even though it’s not my fault. I’m always the one who own mistakes, the only way I know to promote peace. Where’s my pride? Where’s my character? Where’s THE me? She’s there, hiding behind the gargantuan wall of fear and low self-esteem. She never believed in herself. She never quite allowed herself to be just that…herself.
But ever since I embraced the bright lights of the big city, things have changed bit by bit. I was blinded by the light at first. Doing things I never done before (allow me not to mention them anymore, laughs). Felt like I was…liberated. As time passed by, the blinding luminosity has subsided. And I slowly saw…myself. She’s there, in front of me, smiling. It felt like it was the first time I saw her. I saw THE me, no masks, no walls, no facades. Just me.
I seek refuge to various quotes and blog entries over the net. Since it’s the only companion I had which stayed present the whole time, quietly, solemnly. And let me share some lines that really made a huge chug! in me that lead me to give the “So what?” attitude a whole new light.
- What others think about you is none of your business.
- Stop thinking all the time that you’re in the way. That you are bothering the person next to you. If people don’t like it, they can complain. And if they don’t have the courage to complain, that’s their problem. By Paolo Coelho, author of Aleph
- Your time is limited, don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma, which is living the result of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinion drowned your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition, they somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary. By Steve Jobs
They may just be words, treated as cliché even by others. But I never realized the power of words until I allowed them to chug! and strike me at the heart and bang! me over the forehead. They were like loving hands who woke me up from a terrible dream. It was like a paradigm shift for me.
Yes. As long as you’re not stepping onto other people, do whatever you want. Yes. I will wear my JOAN statement every day. I will share my pragmatic views and opinions about issues—both trivial and imperative. I will be true and sincere to all those who are dear to me. Aside from my flamboyant facial expressions that often give me away, I will not be afraid to tell people how I truly feel. I will jog around and lose that excess weight and not mind other people’s glances at my oh-so-big braso. And most especially, I will embrace the things I’ve always wanted to do and achieve without the nagging noise of people’s expectations. It’s a caterpillar process but I know, it will just be a matter of time.
I know I would be able to fight off the deafening voices of the phantom who would judge me, criticize me, mock me, or even belittle me. And the mantra? Just say, “So what?” because the answer will always be “Your bad judgement is YOUR problem, not MINE” by Emma of Once Upon a Time. I will live life to the fullest, have that right job at the right time, lose those unwanted pounds, and be THE me I’ve always wanted to be.