When I say I’m Depressed

When you try your best, but you don’t succeed. When you get what you want, but not what you need. When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep. Stuck in reverse. And the tears come streaming down your face. When you lose something you can’t replace. When you love someone, but it goes to waste. Could it be worse? Lights will guide you home. And ignite your bones and I will try to fix you. And high up above or down below. When you’re too in love to let it go. But if you never try you’ll never know. Just what you’re worth.

Yes. It’s Coldplay’s “Fix You”. No song could ever embrace my current state but this. I needed somebody else to fix me. I was expecting a different entity, some kind of a somebody. But there came nobody.

I have been on an emotional roller coaster ever since 2013 came in. Ever since January 1. Ever since Easter Sunday. I told my God to help me achieve three goals this year:

  • emotional maturity
  • delayed gratification
  • active receiving

And now I’m on an emotional high. Been struggling with emotions. Though deep inside this weary heart of mine, I know my God is just fulfilling my wish. Or this is certainly a part of my life’s story.

Damn it’s difficult. Myself is the most difficult opponent. There are times when I feel like I have lost my self-control. Thinking I was the captain of my ship but then felt like I’m a lost sailor. I have never felt this miserable before. I think I have. But this is the worst version.

I still find solace in eating junk food. I find my stories in watching movies. I find comfort in my bed. But damn you know it’s not what we call living. And I wanted to live life to the fullest. Felt like giving up.

You’ll know something is definitely wrong when you start typing depression in google. And I just did. You’ll know something is bad when you stare at Facebook and your mind goes blank. And I mean blank. Empty. Nothing. Then a friend pops up on your notification and you go visit her page and then find this. And you’ll know that everything will change because of it.

It may just be another inspirational video on the web. And it will mean just another nothing if I will still not do anything. But I badly need change. I need change more than ever. Positive change. And I need to do it. NOW. Or else.

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