Itanong mo sa Buwan

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I have a passionate understanding with darkness. One that never fails. It may disrupt certainties and safe zones. But it will never break down. It builds walls and exquisite rage. It will eat you alive. Love does not exist behind its wall of fury, resentment, hatred, and yes, grudge. I touched the shadow lurking behind closed doors and I felt its fear, beautiful, lovely fear. I licked it, licked it gently, licked it hard. Then I see your black coal shoes. Walking towards me, instinctively, the plan back fired. Because you asked: Bakit? Bakit ka nagkaganyan? Ang sabi ko na lang…itanong mo sa buwan.

Letting Go

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We all have our own set of fears, our own set of pains, our own set of frustrations, our own set of shortcomings. We come to a point when we ask, what should I do now? Then we realize, the answer is simple: just let it go. I put down my cup of coffee and stare at the people outside my window. They’ve been busy. I wonder what they’re up to. I don’t see them smile, not even hear a single hello. The door opens. I see him come in. Sat beside me and drank my coffee. I missed how he used to make me laugh and complete my day. But now I know better, he’s only here, passing me by. He stood up. I tried to stop him but thought otherwise. Because maybe, the best thing to do is indeed, to just let it go, to just let him go. Now that I know, there’s nothing to hold on to anymore. So I, too, stood up, made my way outside, ready to join the crowd. Looking out for the next one to arrive.

One Word

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There’s a kind of anticipation inside me, one I could not name. The kind that October brings you. Counting the days ‘till Christmas eve when I’ll be seeing my family again, counting ‘till it’s new year. Then I’ll never know, it’s my birthday once again. It’s a kind of a funny feeling when I long for the day to see you again, or see you, period. The kind that can’t wait ‘till the next time I see you smile, hold your hand, for real this time. The kind when I don’t give a fuck about her, about the both of you. It’s a kind of anticipation I don’t need to name. All I know it’s a four letter word and it’s coming.

Tumatakbo

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Ganito nagtapos ang lahat. Dahan-dahan niyang binuksan ang pinto papasok sa mundo niya. Tila ba may takot pa ring takasan ang nakaraan, masaktan, iwanan. Pero dahil ngayon ako’y kanyang pinagkatiwalaan, tumango siya’t ako’y pinagsabihan, “Sige, tuloy ka.” Tahimik ang kwarto, maayos, tila lahat ay nasa kani-kanilang nararapat na pwesto, bawat gamit, bawat bagay, nasa lugar. Walang bahid ng pagmamadali, parang lahat ay naisayos ng ilang matagal na kahapon. Kanyang kama, mesa’t upuan, kanyang damit, sapatos at palikuran. At. Doon ko nakita, napansin, isang pader puno ng letrato, guhit ng ilang nakaraan. Babaeng nakangiti, nakasilip, nakatango sa kawalan. Babaeng may matang nagniningning. Babaeng lumuluha, naghahanap ng mahahagkan. At. Doon ko naramdaman, mahigpit niyang yakap sabay pagbulong, “Ikaw ang nakikita ko sa bawat pagmulat ng mata, sa bawat lingon, sa bawat pangungulila. Ikaw oo ikaw. Ikaw lang at wala ng iba.” At. Doon ko siya hinagkan, na parang sa wakas, nakita ko na ang matagal kong hinahanap. Na sa wakas, nakita na namin ang isa’t isa.

Table for Two

Banapple Pies & Cheesecakes – Katipunan, Quezon City

The flicker in his eyes when he looks at me as I tell my story. The movement of his lips as he speaks, saying I’m sorry. The flatter inside my chest as I ask, I’m sorry? The curve of his mouth as he recognizes this voice, this voice, my voice. Time ticked, time tocked. The sound of the clock, stuck. We, both, you. And I. Trapped in our own world, our universe. Now I understand. Meaning surfaces in the glimmer of your look, reflecting mine, so divine. You’re far. So far. Yet, you’re here. Sitting in front of me. Holding your tumbler. Talking to her. To her. You’re the furthest thing I wanted to reach. Wanted. To reach. Yes. But here I am wondering. Merely wondering. Wondering if you would ever be mine. Mine. And if I could ever be yours. Yes. Yours. So here we are, I see you, but you don’t see me. You’re looking at me, yet you seem so far away. Leaving me wondering if, one day, we can be together. Like this. Together. For real. Yes. For real.

Wedding bells ring at 12nn

Strawberry Shortcake & Iced Coffee – Bebe Rouge, Makati City

 

I was having my usual lunch break, sitting quiescently on my chair, reading a book, listening to slow music as I struggle to ignore the coldness of the office air-conditioning. Today’s chapter described a wedding celebration in detail. As if right on cue, my playlist gives way to a what could’ve have been a perfect wedding song. Suddenly, everything seems to be like in the movies.

I was standing behind a closed door. I see my face, beaming with anticipation and swifts back to my point-of-view. I looked down to my feet and realize I can’t make a glimpse of it. I was wrapped around something all white and smooth. This white beauty glimmers under the beautiful afternoon sky. I smell flowers and leaves rustled, danced along the song in my ears.

Then I lifted both my hands and see a bouquet of white tulips handed to me from above. I hugged them tight, breathing in the scrumptious fragrance that compliments the happiness and giddiness I feel inside. Then suddenly, the huge wooden doors open to a sea of happy faces, in beige and in white, and a mixture of baby blue and pastel yellow—my favorite colors. Every pair of eyes looking at me. And I see a red carpet. Then I slowly made my way towards the aisle.

I feel the butterflies in my stomach—winging every edge of my intestine, spiking even the tiniest strands of hair inside my nose, embracing the rapid beat of my heart. So this is genuine happiness. Oh I admire how wonderful this feels, tears like waterfall, smiling like a child. I stare at the blurred scenery in front of me. I see a man in all his white, clean grandeur, anxiously waiting to hold my hand—hold my hand so tight. I wanted to remove the veil covering my face to see his more clearly. Then the music stopped playing and I sprung back to my reality, this reality. I am hungry. It’s just another lunch break after all.

Curtain Call

Room at the Fourth Floor – Heart Building

I miss the way he whispers my name. Blowing feathery kisses near my ears, upon my lips, marking a mundane affection on my cheeks. I miss the way we dance. Him, gently touching my waist like I was once vulnerable, never wanting to remember the broken me. I, caressing the back of his neck. We’re both leaning on each other’s forehead. I miss the way he holds my hand. Filling in the gaps, perfectly filling in the missing pieces. Making me feel complete. I miss the way he hugs me. From the back. Protecting my once vulnerable self, protecting me from the unknown reality happening behind me. And of course, I miss him. And all the possibilities he made me believe—that he would whisper my name softly, that he would make me dance again, that he will never let go of my hand, that he will hug me so tight, and kiss me…goodnight.

Over thinking. Stopped breathing.

I wasn’t supposed to hold my breath. But all I see is a silhouette of you coming near me. What was I supposed to do? I couldn’t turn my back this time, it’s just way too obvious. And I’m old enough for that already. For Pete’s sake. I’m old enough for this already. But why can’t I do it right? Or maybe the right way doesn’t exist. Or it only exist for gorgeous people like Meagan Fox or Salma Hayek WTF.

I wasn’t supposed to hold my breath. But here you are, right in front of me, cupping my face I couldn’t see. Was I wearing make-up? Did I pluck my brows? How’s my lipstick?!? Is he…is he…is he going to kiss me? Oh crap. I couldn’t even look at you in the eye. I stare at your stubble. I glanced at your feet. I knew then, I was head over heels. And then it happened.

I wasn’t supposed to hold my breath. But then you called out my name. Feels like you spelled each letter with such ambiance and ease. As if it counts. As if it matters. You called out my name one more time. I tried to recall. I tried to say something wise. I blurted out a blurred yes. But you place you finger over my lips.

I wasn’t supposed to hold my breath. But the moment I tried to peek at your soul-deep stare, I wasn’t able to get away. You held my look like seconds means days, like minutes means months, like hours means years. Like ours means forevermore. And then you kissed me goodbye. I knew it. I knew. I knew it. WTF.

Across the universe with books and page-turners

Whenever asked to write about anything under the sun or whatever I want, I always experience having a road block. But when I glanced around the book shelves inside the testing room, I immediately knew what to write for my essay entry in a job application.

“Books bring us to many different places when we have to stay put in one corner.”

Many memes, tweets, and Tumblr quotes say this line and pass it on and on until it reached my Facebook wall. When somebody tagged me this photo quote, however, I never got to really know who it originated from or from what book it was taken out. But focusing on the saying alone, I believe many of us, especially bookworms, can attest to this.

Paolo Coelho’s books, especially Eleven Minutes and By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept, brought me to the sepia-ish community of Rio de Janiero. He gave me the chance to feel the rough soil, sand, and rocks of the place’s grounds and riverbanks. I even soaked under the voluptuous glare of the sun as Maria trails the road of mountain site.

Twenties Girl by Sophie Kinsella allowed me to stroll around the busy streets of London and even gave me a ghost for a friend. She offered me a glimpse on how it is to work in a recruitment agency with English people and how they actually perceive American men. Even just in my mind’s eye, I was able to ride the London Eye and stare at the infamous Big Ben.

The mainstreamed Fifty Shades Trilogy by E.L. James exhibited the exquisite city lights of Seattle. She vividly described how wonderful it is to have a castle in the sky (literally) and witness the world below when she painted through words Christian Grey’s apartment. I was able to amble along the Mariners and even able to ride a yacht and feel the magnificent blue sea.

Haruki Murakami brought me in a bittersweet road in Japan as I read his book, After Dark. I was able to see Tokyo by night and Tokyo by the crack of dawn. Although it was a rather creepy read for me, I had a fun glimpse of the empty Tokyo streets and the sleeping houses of the Japanese.

And of course, going back here in my motherland, Bob Ong was able to take me to one of the mysterious provinces in the Philippines in his book, Mga Kaibigan ni Mama Susan. And how one “probinsyano” would venture his life along the crowded districts of Manila. Listening to the “tunog and kwentong kalye”, eating exotic street food, and experiencing the mishaps of living in the big city.

I’ve always wanted to travel the world and write about these trips. Maybe just like Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat, Pray, Love. With a twist in every exciting adventure. But going back to the here and the now, I am just about to start a career in publishing. I will enhance my skills in researching and writing. Then one day, I will leap out from my set of page-turners and get to really set my feet in Rio de Janiero, London, Seattle, and Japan. For now, I will first enjoy the sumptuous sites Metro Manila could offer me.

Somebody I used to know

Miles and miles away. I drive and sway. I was singing. Regretting. You didn’t have to stoop so low. Make people know. I was head over heels. I was falling. Now, only doubting. You didn’t have to stoop so low. Now, you’re just somebody that I used to know.

I passed by you along the hi-way. I didn’t want to live backwards. I never wanted you to cut me off. And I don’t even need your love. But you didn’t have to stoop so low. I never answered your calls. I never called. I never responded to your emails. I never emailed again. You didn’t have to stoop so low. Now, you’re just somebody that I used to know.

I slowed down. I saw my side-mirror. You didn’t even dared a single stare. Even just one glance? Nothing. You didn’t have to stoop so low. Telling the whole world how pathetic I was. How stupid I have become. What great loss I caused myself. You didn’t have to stoop so low. Now, you’re just somebody that I used to know.

But suddenly, I halted the car. Took one last glance of you. Standing by the road. Looking like a complete stranger. Me, looking like a complete idiot. I didn’t have to stoop so low. But I can’t take it. That you have become just somebody that I used to know. So, I opened the door. Walked towards you. And kissed you. You don’t have to be just somebody that I used to know. You will never be just somebody that I used to know.